My life in a nutshell

lookpastmysmile @ 2008-06-17T03:17:00

2008-06-17T08:33:16Z

    i really have not updated this too recently. but i enjoy blogging on a monday night at 3:15 am.

    school is over. i graduated... and i gave a speech in doing so. it felt soooo weird and so relieving at the same time.
lately i have been hitting up whatever grad parties come my way.. on the 14th i attended 15 grad parties... it was insane. (and i only used less than a quarter of a tank...) it was glorious...

    i guess the biggest thing on my mind right now really pertains to someone rather than something. someone that i sincerely care about.. someone who is near perfect... someone who is understanding... someone that i wish i would have gotten to know better... is leaving for "home" on the 30th. whyyy?? when i asked them what we are.. the response i got was "two people who met too late".
    it has not hit me yet.. but anders will be gone on the 30th.. and i will not see him until i go see him at christmas in norway... i do not think that anything i could have done any sooner would not make a difference... the date that he leaves does not change... :(
    the last social thing he is going to is my grad party on the 28th.. which really makes me sad... it is supposed to be such a glorious event.. but in the back of my head-- all i will be thinking about is that last hug. that last kiss. that last moment. gahhh. i mean, i read ruthie's posts and completely understand what she is going through... it is soo hard to manage everything so you can squeeze in those last moments with someone.. i guess what i have learned is to cherish the moments that you do spend with that special someone, and only look forward to the next moments you can spend with them; rather than the ones you could not.
    gah.. leave it to me to start falling for the foreign exchange student... who had feelings for me all along.. :(

    in other news.. i am officially signed up for the U of M-Twin Cities.. how scary. i am embracing it... and i am looking forward to every moment. i WILL NOT screw this up. this is the real world.. and i feel lucky enough to be in it. my orientation is on the 26th and 27th... i am looking forward to it. i hope to meet some people...

    this summer is going to be a good one... i can feel it.

whew!

2008-03-28T14:39:14Z

whew.. what a rush the past weeks have been.

no one seems to really post anymore, but for those that do check on occassion..

i got into the u of m- college of education and human development. soo goodbye st. cloud, i think. that is really my biggest news. i took a trip to chicago to visit my cousin jessica, and her new baby grace.. she was so cute. so tiny. so helpless. handling this 3 month old.. it was such an odd feeling. it felt right. this may sound weird and probably crazy, but i have decided that i want to have kids young. not now, god no.. but still in my earlier 20's. i dont know why, i just do. but, aside from that. i am still in shock that i got into the u of m. on our trips down there, i told myself i could never go to there, its way too big.. but, the more i think about it, the more i want it. its such a good school, and not to put cloud town down, but the u of m just seems more... pro? if that is the right word. jessica told me i should go to the u of m over st. cloud. now, this is coming from a girl who had straight a's, graduated with honors, got a 33 on the ACT, went to st. mary's college (notre dame) and is now married to someone who was and undergrad at princeton and did graduate studies at northwestern. soo i think she may have a biased opinion.. but i trust her judgment and her opinion.

i love the big cities. i dont think i could live in one, but going to school at the u of m would be amazing... id be close enough to home where if i needed anything its just a short phone call away.. hell, even a drive. i would not need a car.

yeah i think im liking the u of m.

besides that, school now is not much easier. the tox paper is consuming my life. oh well. i guess it will help me in the end though. right? we also have no breaks in april, which are really going to take a toll on me. hoorah. these next few months will be an adventure. but hell, im in for the ride. :)

is this not strong enough??

2008-02-27T05:35:29Z

a letter of concern...and other things...
"After our time hanging out on Saturday I have given things a lot of thought...

If my memory serves me correctly.. you stated that if I did not like what you do, to not be your friend...

I gave this statement some serious thought. What I have concluded is that I want nothing to do with you. This is by far the hardest friendship to let go... I am sorry to be rude and blunt.. but I do not follow what you are doing, and quite frankly.. I think you would have no problem letting go. I have become someone that I never wanted to become, and I am living in the past too much...

You can call me hypocritical for my drinking.. but I am stopping. It is a pointless social event to partake in... I learned that from YOU. And to see it thrown back in my face was a breaking point.

Please understand that I am not trying to say to stop drinking/smoking entirely.. but know that drinking until you throw up and jumping off of buildings are not a way to prove yourself to anyone.. especially yourself. You are an intelligent and gifted individual... you have amazing intellect and so much potential in this world... that is what people look for in a friend. This is how I saw you.. when we were dating and after we broke up.. but after Saturday, I don't see that anymore. You may be gifted and work hard, but to set ultimatums such as the one you did... made me question if I need to be a friend anymore. I reached out.. told you how I felt about you, and what I think is going to hurt you later... and all you could do was flash a credit card saying you were mature. You are not.

I ripped up the entry I let you read.. I have thrown away all the old notes between you and I.. I have also thrown away the pictures in my room that are still up.

I hate what I have become.. and I think this is the only way that I can let go."

----------------------------------------------------------------------breakpoint:

you were apart of so much and had become apart of me... why is it that when i try to let go, i cant.. i still am holding on.so why am i still holding on? i want to let go and i hate you for keeping me so far away, but longing for you at the same time..
im in a new relationship, and i really like him. he is someone totally unexpected which is what makes everything great. we are chill and not attached at the hip. we see each other in school all the time. its fantastic. i thought i let go... i want to, and its an all or nothing kinda sorta thing. im doing it. im letting go of you...

you cant stop me.

waiting..

2007-12-11T04:59:18Z

i have not cried this hard in a long time
i am really sick of waiting for andrew to come home from afghanistan..
he was supposed to be home today.. and his plane has not even left yet...

i have not seen him a year..

come home soon.. :(

i hate this stupid "war"

me in a movie!

2007-11-19T05:01:20Z

so tim erikson made an amazing movie...

http://neutyp.com/files/?file=Dreamless%20Web.mp4 <-- this one is the one he made this tri

http://neutyp.com/files/?file=AngelusMortibusSmall.mov<-- this one is the one he made last year with nick haglind

i did not write this... but its is sooooo true

2007-11-05T01:55:37Z

Breaking up is hard no matter what. Whether you're the person breaking up with someone, or the person that's being broken up with it's hard. Trust me, I've been on both sides. Why is it so hard? I guess there is always a part of you, as much as you know sometimes that it's not possible, that so badly wants it to work. There's also that part, no matter how small it is, that is still in love with and will always love the person. Yeah, it hurts knowing that you probably won't ever talk to someone you loved so deeply at one point ever again. How can that not hurt? Especially after sharing years of your life with that person and having them be such a big and important part of it. It sucks and it's not easy. Plain and simple.

Now come the reasons for the break up. Maybe the person fell out of love with you. Maybe you fell out of love with them. Maybe the person needs to grow up. Maybe you need to grow up. Maybe you find yourselves fighting all the time for no reason, but you don't know any other way to make the fighting stop then to end it. Whatever the reason may be the fact remains that one or both of you are usually not happy. As unhappy as you are sometimes it's still hard to accept and say "I don't need this person anymore in my life." Sometimes you don't really want to break up with the person, but you feel the need to because you don't know how else to stop the horrible state your relationship has evolved into. Other times it feels like you've already been broken up for the last month, so actually breaking up is the next logical step. These are all very difficult things to accept and do, but it's not healthy to go on with a relationship if neither side is benefiting from it.

For the first few weeks after the break up it's what you go to bed thinking about. It's the first thing that pops in your head when you're woken up by your alarm that reminds you to go to your shitty job. Fortunately these excessive thoughts of all the things you could have done differently to make it work and how much you miss the person slowly start to fade. Each day you think about them a little less and it hurts a little less. It's not a short process and a lot of times they say it takes half the amount of the time you were together to completely get over it. When there's one last drop of their memory left it usually means one of two things usually happens. You'll meet someone new that makes you forget completely about your last relationship, or your ex will call you right at that moment and make you question everything again. That's life and that's the vicious circle it can lead you in.

So what does this crazy little thing called love show us? Find what you want and what you know you need. Find what you love and what makes you happy. Hold onto it and cherish it. Don't ever take it for granted. Put everything you have into it to make it the best it can be, while still making sure you don't try too hard. Make sure it's real. Make sure it's realistic. Make sure it can last a lifetime. Make sure the person feels just as strongly for you as you do for them, or else it will never work. That's my advice. Take it or leave it. Do I believe in true love? I used to. I want to. I think I still do. If it can happen in movies it can happen in real life, right? All any of us can do is keep looking for it.

update

2007-11-04T16:49:04Z

well...

life has certainly taken a huge 360 on numerous things.

1. alex and i are over... its hard cause i still care... but we both have our own lives... school, friends, etc. thankfully we are still friends though, which makes me happier than what i was.

2. college: god, what another turn... i am in love with stout, but i am actually scared and all jittery to go somewhere besides here. i havent been accepted anywhere cause i just took my ACT on the 27th for the first time. i have applied to the U of M, Stout, Iowa State University, Hamline, St. Cloud State... i know there is more... but wow, what a cool yet frightening thing all in one role.

3. school. SES is tossing my shit right now. we have soo much homework and so little time to do it. our final project for the trimester was given to us on thursday... explained fully to us on friday, and its due monday. one of our house teachers said verbatim: "this project will make you want to pull your hair out..." hmm, way to be confident in us... on top of annotations, which consume so much more time...oh well, i suppose its all for good reason that will pay off in the end. ah yes, AP Human Geo is killing me too. so many tests and busy worksheets, i am going insane.

4. boys. enough said.

5. i had to go into eagan on the 30th or the 31st or something like that... maybe the 1st... holy shit. scary. it felt weird to be back in there after nearly two years... and on top of that, seeing a freshman and a sophomore... i am so used to a school of like 380, with just juniors and seniors... gah. it was odd. but fun at the same time.

pitiful entry. but still, what is going on in life right now.

OH!! p.s.

my brother is coming home from afghanistan on december 8th... so he will be here for christmas. :-)
but he wont be here for my 18th birthday when i get my tattoo.. :-(

aw well... i like him being home for christmas, it wouldnt be the same without him. i miss him.

whew...

2007-10-01T04:30:28Z

so... school is pretty much owning me right now. i have been at this whole baffin exchange ordeal for a week now. it is actually pretty flippin cool.

imagine never seeing trees.
or being in a car.
or going to a football game.
or eating any kind of mexican food.
or being out of your own city.

wow. this has opened my eyes. a lot.

on another note, i have applied to stout, the u of m and morris.

eh?

annual fire

2007-09-01T05:16:10Z

Bonfire tomorrow night..

My house.

Please bring something to share.

:-)

I know you're listening so I hope I don't mess this up

2007-08-23T05:34:03Z

well. so much for a "good" day. these pretty much sum it up.

From the top of my lungs
To the bottom of my heart
This song is for every disappointment
This is for everything that went wrong
From the top of my lungs
To the bottom of my heart
This song is for every broken promise and were moving right along
From the top of my lungs
To the bottom of my heart
This is for everything

i knew everything today was too good to be true. so much for high hopes

michigan

2007-08-01T03:49:27Z

so im in michigan with emily, natalie and jo depalma, and my mommy. we'll be back the 7th. i am hyped.

the feeling of not feeling...?

2007-07-20T04:14:39Z

i feel completely worthless. i hate it. i feel like i only exist, and not actually live. i feel unacknowledged. i am becoming a rock again. i am losing the ability to feel emotions.

i hate this "feeling".

i just want to break down but i can't. i want to cry but won't. i want to be anti-social and distant, but it's hard.

i hate being up and down. i hate being extreme. i want to be content.. right in the middle.

i want to feel like i am worth something to someone.

just some thoughts...

2007-07-09T05:46:13Z

i want to start something.. i want to better a lot of things.. i want to shoot for the stars.. wait, not only shoot.. but hit them dead on. i want to leave something, i want to change something about this world.. or even something in ses... or the town of eagan. something... i want to be remembered for something great... not just be buried and forgotten about, you know?

gah. i guess that my mind enjoys wandering at 12:40 in the morning.

"Staring at the blank page before you...Open up the dirty window...Let the sun illuminate the words... That you could not find... Reaching for something in the distance... So close you can almost taste it... Release your inner visions"

o yeah one more thing

2007-06-08T23:34:06Z

from september 23rd through the 6th of october i will be hosting a girl from baffin island (the canadian arctic)... it will be for ses

there will be 4 girls coming down here and 1 boy. i am uber excited, cause all of them play soccer and love to breakdance

hehe. oo the oppurtunities at ses are amazing.

(no offense) suck it eagan

tonight...

2007-06-08T23:28:34Z

i am having a fire.

come one and all...

hoorah

home at last

2007-06-01T00:54:21Z

sweet... if it even matters.. i am home from superior hiking.

oh intensive theme... i love you

<3

a damn fine paper i just had to share

2007-05-22T05:40:10Z

Paige Wisner

Junior Ethic Speech

5/21/07

The human spirit needs places where nature has not been rearranged by the hand of man. ~Author Unknown

It is this unknown author who is the inspiration for my environmental ethic. My belief is that humans have played a vital role as “Takers” and have not given back what has been taken. It is my fear that humans will destroy the earth and create an environment that will be unstable and unlivable for future generations. Humans must stop being selfish in order to sustain and even better the quality of life for future generations. We MUST begin to be selfless. We must begin to better our quality of life to sustain a future.

My ethic has its “roots”. As a person develops from a young age, they take their experiences with them and they remain forever. My beliefs before I came to the School of Environmental Studies were different from when I was a child. My most memorable child-hood story comes from when I was in elementary school. My best friend Erik and I would go in the woods in the back of our houses and explore and become so familiar with them, that it literally became our “sanctuary”. However, of all those times there, the most memorable was when we came across a huge, 80-foot-high tree that had fallen (ha, I can now identify it as a Bur Oak). For me, having this opportunity to have such an amazing place to hang out and go to feel safe, was the most rewarding experience in my childhood. From this seemingly in-significant experience, I have grown to appreciate the natural world and what it provided for me then and does provide for now.

Attending the School of Environmental Studies (SES) my junior year of high school has allowed the expansion of my relationship with the natural world. The most influential experience was Earth Day. That day was the day that honestly, as corny as it sounds, touched my heart. Sara Permann, Laura Clark and I, had Mr. Martin’s 2^nd grade class. What motivated me and is part of my environmental ethic, are the younger generations. Taking these 2^nd graders, their young and impressionable minds around and seeing how much they were excited to see the animals at the zoo, was and is the most rewarding experience. I had never seen so many kids that excited to learn and to have such an open mind. I believe that we are the role models for many younger generations, and we must set a good example, for them to follow. We will not be teaching them anything of value about the environment if we do not do so. The best example I recall from Earth Day was when I was with one of the girls, and she had a chip bag and she could not find a trash-can, so she set it on a plant, and I picked it up. I then told her; “remember to keep our earth clean guys; even throwing away a single chip bag can make a difference”. As for novels, which were a large portion of house, the most important one that helped shape my ethic was Sophie’s World by Jostein Gaarder. From the beginning of trimester one, my main focus was change. This varied in how I wanted to change myself, what was changing around me, and what has changed over time. Gaarder provided a marvelous novel that allowed me to do just that. The part that I found most interesting and influential was the time of the Classical Era, especially Epictetus and Aristotle. Epictetus states that “nature has given man one tongue, but two ears, that we may hear twice as much as we speak” (http://thinkexist.com/quotations/nature/2.html). For me, this quote represents the idea of patience and oddly enough; it reminds me of all the walks we would take here at SES where we would journal and listen rather than speak, so we could got a full experience of the Natural World. Among Epictetus, there was Aristotle, who believes that “nature does nothing in vain” (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/aristotle.html). Aristotle’s quote has stuck with me throughout the completion of the novel, and it has shaped my way of thought and has made me realize that nature was here before man, and man had to adapt to the natural world in order for survival and we should have the utmost respect for it.

After connecting my past with my present, I have developed my “rule of thumb” regarding humans’ relationship with the natural world. My general idea and rule for humans and their relationship with the natural world is the idea of coexistence and improvement. If we can coexist with nature and respect its boundaries, its limitations and its resources, I believe that the result will amount to a better future and a more rewarding experience for all generations, including our own.

This reward will come from hard work, endurance and persistence by all. Even the simplest of things such as biking to school rather than driving or picking up a piece of trash on the street, will make a difference. If people can teach and set a good example, we will make a great difference in the natural world. There is a flaw, yes, not everyone will necessarily care what becomes of our planet, but that is why we are here at the SES, we are here because we care, and each of us can make a great impact on the future, and provide a better quality of life for all.

My ethic is but one. I am simply a student here at the School of Environmental Studies in Apple Valley, Minnesota. There are numerous ideas about humans and the world around us. If we work and persist towards a better future, it will not only benefit us, but will benefit the generations after us. We must begin to give back to our planet. We must treat it with respect. We must begin a change. If we do so, we can change the outcome of the Natural World, and our human spirits can lay in peace knowing we changed the world by the hand of man.

...

2007-05-11T22:52:59Z

well... it is official, Andrew is in Afghanistan. and he is not coming back for a long, long time.

it makes me quite sad and emotional actually.

i hope he is okay... i love him a lot and i can not bare to lose him.

peace and love dear brother...

-paige

spring break made...

2007-04-07T05:28:08Z

i just got home from the ok go and the snow patrol concert...

this made my spring break worth while.

i love ashley stahowiak and anna o'neil

tehehhe

now ive realized i work tomorrow... in 4 hours.
great...

sigh...

2007-03-30T03:17:41Z

i read today in an article that there was a 21-year-old gunned down in afghanistan who was from rosemount.
i started to cry.
what if the next one was andrew??

that was the cherry on top of a crappy day.

i need help. :-(
i have lost all emotion. there is no happiness, there is no sorrow, there is nothing left to be hurt.
i feel so invisible

i dont think im doing anything over break... someone should give me a call.

ive got questions, you've got answers...?

2007-03-22T01:36:08Z

What is the nature of humankind?
What is the nature of knowledge?

answer them without fear of judgement. be honest. be open.

oh, and random news... i am sorta kinda considering coming back to eagan for a trimester next year...
maybe?

i'm drawing a blank... i had so much to type and say... but now it has all kinda slipped.

:-/

...

2007-03-07T03:29:36Z

curacao was absolutely amazing.
i may try to put up some photos.
i heard about the two snow days.
i just sat and laughed cause i was on a white sanded beach soaking up the sun
and now im practically black.
and i have a scuba certification.

.uhh. on the friday the 9th i am having people over for movies, snacks and ping pong.
its from 5:30ish-11:30

please come. i miss you guys :-/

my birthday on monday was ok. nothing too spectacular happend.

emy and natalie depalma came over and we went to don pablos with my family.
alex surprised me with 17 beautiful red roses and an origami poem.
he said i get something on friday morning too.
ha, anyone know how to make origamicranes?
i'm supposed to know how to by friday at 10am.
(quite frankly i suck at it.)
hm. i found out im going to the snow patrol concert on april 6th with ashley stahowiak.
OK GO is opening. (ahh love love love)
and i think the week of spring break i am going to chicago to visit my cousin jessica and her husband mircea.

hoorah.

now for some more random news (and rather sad news)
andrew got promoted to sergeant now.
but in addition to this new info the worst of it followed.

his brigade is being deployed.
to afghanistan for 18 months.

hey bush. hey "war on terror".
I HOPE YOU DIE!

twenty-second till the fourth :-)

2007-02-22T02:00:58Z

so i leave for curacao tomorrow at 4:30 a.m.

i dont get back until the 4th of March. (One day before my birthday!)

I'll take a ton of pictures for you kids. :-)

cant wait to get back!

...

2007-02-16T04:19:16Z

1 week till Curacao..

yeahhh..

anyway. my v-day went marvelous.

everyone in our house got a condom in their mailboxes on v-day.

mr haisting (one of the 4 teachers) thought it was hilarious. (even though he took them away)

hehe. oo ses. i love thee.

lookpastmysmile @ 2007-02-11T22:18:00

2007-02-12T04:21:08Z

so after a nice 13 hour shift at work on saturday, i am still tired tonight.

yes... you did read that right. 13 hours

oh yeah. 11 days till' Curacao

so hyped. enough said.
oh yeah. i really liked the "stars on ice" show i went to tonight with alex's family.

i wish i could skate.

i need to do fish identifying.